Yet again there appears to be another fine mess I have gotten myself into… I seriously aint good at this personal life thing, begining to feel that maybe I should just go jump off a tall building or something cause things never go right, and never go to plan….
After the issues with the guy with the girlfriend I took solice in a nice guy who seemed to be on may wavelength. It started out as a few messages on a chat site, which quickly progressed into text messaging. This was literally as the wound was still raw from previous guy. It was nice having someone there who took my mind away from the shit that was going on in my life at the time and I was very grateful for the attention.
From the start I was told that he had a boyfreind, they had lived together for many years (7 I think!), and they were happy together, they just played with other guys now and then. This was fine with me, as I wasnt looking for anything, especially seen as I was still very much in love with someone else.
The messages continued and on one evening as I had just arrived home from work he called me just to say hello, not something im used to from people. Ususaly the first time you say hello is when you have arrived outside there house! We arranged to meet, and there was lots of promise of fun to be had. I was like a kid with a new toy very excited of prospect of meeting someone new and getting back out there after the train wreck with other guy. Was also nice that there was no comitment, I could have this guy as a friend like I have other friends that have partners. Its easier not to get attached when you know that there is nothing that is ever going to happen, you can be objective!
The first aim at meeting was cancelled as his boyfriend was ill, so slightly dissapointed I kinda thought these things happen, and we did arrange to meet again.
When we did eventually meet, I remember getting a call saying “oh ive arrived and parked the bike out back”. As usually I was very nervous. Im always nervous when I meet new folk as you just dont know what they are going to be like. I have met folk that I would rather run away from than talk to and really until they are there in the flesh you havent got a clue!
He came into my shitty apartment and asked if he could take off his bike leathers (I know this sounds like its turning into something out of a porn film!), so I showed him the living room and he took some of his kit off and rolled down his leathers.
I decided the best thing to do was the the perfect host and offer him a cup of tea – tea in Yorkshire pretty much makes the world go round! After making the tea and sitting on the sofa we had a chat… which as expected progressed into hand on knee and attempting to suck the moisture out of each others mouths 🙂 After a good while of this I decided I should take the lead and take him into the bedroom… this is where we got naked and things kinda blur into “oh my fucking god that was awesome” territory… even though in reality we didn’t do anything kinky or sex like as such… is was just naked jumping and biting and nibbling… but it was animalistic, and something I can say I haven’t experienced in a long long time. When he left I felt somewhat detracted, because I knew he had a boyfriend and nothing could ever happen, but also I had just locked myself out and had to wait about an hour for my neighbour to come back and let me in!
Things progressed and after many more text messages saying many things that shouldnt be said I got invited to his place. His other half was going to be at work but knew I was coming and was ok with it. The night before I was supposed to head down (after I had taken the day off work) I got a text saying his boyfriend had been ill all day, I obviously took this to mean that the meet was off, he was going to spend the day looking after his other half, as would be the case if I had a bf and he was ill… at about 1pm I got a text asking why I hadnt shown up… as you can imagine I was unnamused and detracted as I had obviously miss read the situation. So a few frantic texts and I pretty much darted out of the house, in shitty clothes to go and meet the guy. He was a little pissed at me for being late and showed his annoyance but I wasnt going to let that stop things. I had come down to get to know Gav and thats what I wanted to do. I remember going into his apartment and having to make the first move, which as someone who describes himself as pretty darn sub in these scenarios I was uncomfortabnel with but decided that it had to be done. I remember laying on his lap asking him how he got here today. He told me he met Dan back in the day about 7 years previous, just as I was gettting aquianted with recon, and Dan and him were very much in love. He had moved from Bedford to Brighton and was working for a government organisation (cant recall which one but may have been something like inland revenue!), after moving offices he and his new boss hated each other and he really didnt like his new workplace. He didnt do the uni thing and left college with good education. He had applied to be a policeman with the BTP and Dan wasnt overly happy with this but its something he wanted to do and had his heart set on. His other half is a nurse and had a pretty secure job. They were very much a couple in love, and content with life, plus very kinky! Gav managed to get the job working for the BTP much to Dan’s annoyance, this led Gav to a change a few things in his life. Previously he had been heavily piearced… well tongue, nipples and chin… I think… and he took all these out the day he went for the interview with the BTP, and they never went in again. Now I have a lot of respect for Gav, but in many aspects I have to agree with Dan. One of the things I found hillarious was when I was laid on Gavs lap he said that he doesnt ever judge anyone, people are people and the police are there to enforce but not judge…. what absolute complete bollocks! I have a degree in educational psychology and computer science and know full well that is impossible! We will automatically judge people base don their dress their behaviour, the colour of their skin, their meritocracies. Its humanistic to do that, we have a brain and its what it will do… you cannot change that. You can pretend that it doesn’t happen but it does! Obviously I didnt reveal these thoughts to Gav, it may have been a deal breaker! I think Dan knew that the policeforce would change Gav and this is why he didnt like it, and to be fair I have friends and family who are in the police and yes it does change you. How can dealing with the scum of society and the hatred that exists in the world not darken your perception on life, and also the “society” of the policeforce does impact on you morally, as you are force fed manuals on how to deal with people and situations. Gav is very much human and I think he believes he is a force for good and not like all the other police officers, he believes he is fair. I am not in a position to judge, but I think that this ideal of how he sees himself and the crap that he has to deal with is pretty much tearing him apart and possibly destroying him… but more about my analysis of this later!
So… after attemtping to rescue the date with Gav, I trotted off home. A little dispondent that I couldnt have spent more time with him. I actually really like him, and it was hard to know that there could never be anythjing there. I pushed harder to meet Dan, I wanted to build the wall to stop me getting attached. Unfortunately the harder I pushed the more I got push back. This all came to a head the thursday before the pride london even in 2010. Me and Gav had argued a fair bit via text, this lead to a few things being said that probably shouldnt have been, which resulted in a text the next morning saying that he thought I would always destroy relationships. I kinda took this really hard, cause all the stuff that I had bottled up about the previous guy all of a sudden came out. This is similar to what had been said by someone else. I couldnt contain myself and sat in a toilet cubical at work in tears. After composing myself, and getting some angry voicemails from work collegues for not answering calls I had a disgreement with my senior boss and then decided that I wasnt able to handle all this at the moment and needed to go home. I told my boss that I was going home and taking the rest of the day off as leave or the alternative was I would resign and walk out. I got home and pretty much emptied the house of anything alcoholic. I had 4 bottles of magners, and some beer, these were all finished, I then broke into a bottle of wine… by the evening I was still in tears and completely trashed. The entire day and evening is a bit of a fuss, but I remember calling my friend Neil in tears, then my friend Greg called me to find out what was going off… Oh yes forgot to mention, the entire Gav argument manged to spill onto face book, with an entry on his status saying “this is why I dont let people in”; followed by one on mine asking if there was ways to turn back time, with a comment from him in a very police like way saying that we cant change the past only work on the future to change what we need to. (I still have the excerpts somewhere!).
My mum, dad and sister were all on holiday so I had no one close to me to talk to. Neil and Greg helped but they didnt know the full story so it was difficult to be able to open up to them about how I felt. I think I may have even spoken to the ex that evening in a fit of desperation. I begged for forgiveness from Gav, I was so upset I didnt want to lose him. It felt like someone had just taken a huge chunk out of my life and made it very unstable…. its already held together with straw and someone had just set it on fire! The lack of sleep and hangover had kicked in, it was 5am… I decided that I needed to clear my head and get some water. I walked into welwyn village, but it was too early, the tesco was still closed. I walked around for a bit until 6am when it opened, and went to buy a bottle of water. I then went to the local cafe’ and bought a croissant and latte. I wondered around still half drunk and very hungover and laid on a wall ouitside the fire station. I recall a police sentinal car drove very slowly past me, I think they were checking I was ok… I kinda turned and looked at them from my perch on the wall, they then drove on. The croissant didnt stay down, in fact I didnt even finish it. Likewise with the coffee. I stumbled home and took to a very long shower to recover me.