This is probably the hardest letter I have ever had to write, and I have been thinking about doing this for a long time, but to be honest I haven’t had the balls as I don’t know how you will react. I am also very ashamed of myself as I feel I have lied and been deceitful to my friends and my family, but as you will learn… its been for a good reason.
The most important thing in my life is my family closely followed by my friends. Now the reason that your receiving this is because you are my close friends and you are very important to me, and I need to be honest with you, especially seen as some of you are hearing rumours. It would be unfair to continue lying to you and you do deserve to hear the truth.
Well where to start, and what to say, as to be honest I aint got a clue. I suppose the best thing is just to come out with it and admit that I like guys. There you go… taken 8 years to admit it but yep im gay. Im not proud and don’t want to preach to people, merely explain and hope for some understanding. It is not something that defines me and not something that has changed me, just I like guys instead of girls. Im far from the queen camp and absolutely hate the queens… (well they are funny but that’s it) I like guys who are guys, if I liked camp people I might as well have got a girlfriend.
So I suppose I best start at the start and explain how we got to today… well here goes…
I suppose my first gay experience was when I was about 13/14 when I had got my Internet connection and had just joined the wonderful world of AOL and had the instant messenger application. Back in those days there were only about 30 people on the Internet from South Yorkshire so I basically searched for them on the search bar and invited them all to be friends. Well one guy who made it on my list got chatting to me and one night when my parents were out he started asking me really strange questions and talking about things that I didn’t really understand at that time in my life. Basically he wanted to get into my pants… obviously I was pretty well shook up and proceeded to delete AOL and everything related to any messaging on my computer. But some of the things he said did get me thinking, and I did at that point discover that I did find certain guys attractive, even though I had never really thought about it before. At this point I thought it was abnormal and wrong and it used to upset me and make me think I was gone in the head. I became pretty reclusive and lived in my bedroom for most of my teen years as I was scared about the things I had learnt and didn’t want anyone to find out, I buried my head in books and played the piano to keep me occupied. I hated myself, I hated my childhood and was pretty depressed.
The thing I found really hard was when I tried to talk to my mum about it one day and we sat in my parents bedroom and I said to her that I needed to talk to her about some things that I am not sure about. We had a brief discussion that I cant remember in full, but it ended in tears and the main thing that rang through my entire life since that day was when mum said “If you are gay please don’t ever let your dad know as it will destroy him”. Since that day I have kept almost everything bottled up and made myself unhappy as a result. It was not the kind of response I was expecting from my mum, but I appreciate her response seen as I am the only boy in the family and my dad is well known in the village where we live and it would not go down well to admit to having a gay son. She is right it probably would destroy him, and probably still would. I love my family far too much and have to protect them from the truth, that’s why they will never find out and I will always deny it to my parents (although my sister Sarah knows). I was considering telling them this Christmas but I tried telling my mum about me taking motorbike lessons and sat her down and said I had something to tell her, and she was again almost in tears as she thought I was going to tell her I was gay, so still many years later I realise that I could never do that to them. As such everything I say in this letter must stay in this letter and be just for the people that it is intended for, as in my close personal friends.
Well from there I had a string of girlfriends, but never did anything with them other than kiss. I buried my head in work and kept myself busy to stop my mind wondering to the land of gay thoughts. I had girlfriends just to keep up the pretence with my friends and family. I can now admit that whilst I had affection for the girls I was with I never loved them. I also was not able to confide in them as I was too ashamed and never really got on that well with girls. Im a lad and talk about how women whine and are dippy, I cant talk about relationships and stuff like that hence I never really had anyone to confide in until the last few years.
I considered coming out in my second year of university but after hearing about how my so called friends had treated my friend John after coming out of the closet I decided against it. Basically John moved into a shared house with some of my friends and I stayed in halls of residence. John then decided to come out. As a result our friends basically disowned him and forced him to leave the house as they did not feel comfortable around him. The most hurtful thing they did though that really made me think coming out was a bad idea was when Johns mum passed away that year and some of his house mates went to the funeral and refused to talk to John. It proves you never really know people and some people are just first class bastards.
The point I realised I had to confront the person inside head on was when I was 23. I had been out with Helen for about a year and we had never done anything other than kiss and talk to each other for hours on the phone. At the time I knew I liked guys as I had a hard drive full of gay porn that I had been collecting since my first year at uni, but was too scared to ever meet a guy or do anything about it… so I just window shopped. At York uni been gay was (I think) more acceptable. I remember one night walking home and looking in horror as I saw two guys holding hands walking home. The final straw to making me admit to myslef was when me and Helen went on holiday. I had spoken to my friend Michael (who was the only person who knew I was gay), and he told me I should end it with Helen and admit to myself who I am. Me and Helen went on holiday first to Madrid and then as a surprise I took her to Mallorca for a mini break. In the hotel Helen tried very hard to develop the relationship but I just didn’t see her that way. I loved her and still do but only in the same way as I love my sisters. I would never ever let anyone hurt her but didn’t find her sexually attractive and tried hard to end the relationship. When we got back the UK we had a bit of a tearful end to our almost two year relationship. I still do love Helen and do keep my eye on her and make sure she is ok. Again I don’t think it would do Helens confidence much good to find out that her ex-boyfriend decided he was gay whilst being with her.
So that was the end of that chapter. I got back to York and decided I should do something to get myself out of Narnia and into the real world. So it was at that point I created my profile on gaydar (www.gaydar.co.uk/elad23). Elad is Dale backwards so I thought that was an apt title for my profile, unfortunately I wasn’t thinking that far ahead as im now almost 27 and my profile is still elad23!
York was a few years of extremely conflicting views in my head. I found it very hard to come to terms with admitting I was gay. I recall getting that depressed about it I stopped sleeping and started to think about death. I had not really realised how depressed I was although do recall one night feeling so down and upset about it all that I drove back home at 3am as I was contemplating ending it all and that scared me that I had even though about that. I was waking up in the night with cold sweats through fear. I don’t think the pressure from the PhD was helping but I ploughed through.
At York in my second year I met the first guy I would go a far as to say I loved. I only met him a few times but he made me realise that I really liked guys and just needed the right guy to come along. He was a couple of years younger than me and was going through almost everything I had gone through a few years earlier. He stopped talking to me after a MSN chat one night where he said that it was more important for him to have children than it was to be happy. He deleted his profile that night and his MSN account. He wasn’t the best looking guy in the world but I loved him to bits.
Also in my second year of York I hit a further challenge that almost destroyed me. Me and my supervisor fell out about various things and I was struggling holding my PhD together. It was going off course and I had no one to blame but myself. It had been an epic year of doubt, about sexuality and trying to discover myself, and a few weeks before my second year report was due I was attacked in York outside my house and left beaten up by two guys who wanted my backpack. Luckily I was strong enough to fight back but the experience left me shaken and again made me a recluse. This added to the already building pressure of my PhD and conflict in my life and resulted in me failing my second year PhD thesis and my PhD was terminated. I tried to appeal but the university did not want to listen. I recall going home the night I found out I had failed and 3 years of dreams had been destroyed, I cried in the shower for almost an hour then broke down to my mum when she asked if I was alright as I didn’t seem myself. I think that had to be the lowest point ive ever experienced in my life as I could have happily jumped in front of a bus and ended everything. You don’t really know depression until you have experienced it. It was a long road from there to get to where I am now, luckily it was helped along by my neighbour who helped me get my first job and helped me find my feet again. Unfortunately I was unable to go home due to conflict with my dad and because I was ashamed and scared my parents may ever discover anything. So I moved into my nanans for a few weeks… I stayed there almost two years until I got my own place 6 months ago.
Living at my nans was easier as I didn’t have to explain my actions as much and was able to come and go as I please so did go out on scene a few times and did meet some guys.
The first proper relationship I had after the guy from York was when I met Gareth from Stoke around xmas 2005. Now G was different as we were friends that had loads in common and it just kind of developed into a relationship and when I got scared and buried my head in the sand we went back to been great mates and still are. G is more of a really good mate though rather than someone I loved to bits. Scarily my dad has met Gareth after I had a pretty major accident hitting the central reservation of M1, I was on my way to meet Gareth and luckily I came out uninjured but Gareth paniced and dashed up to see if I was ok. He came to my nans and met my dad there!! Luckily you would never in a million years work out Gareth was gay – so my dad didn’t!
Its only really since I have had my own place I have played the field a bit more and tried looking for Mr Right (although somehow I feel he doesn’t exist). Over the past few months I have met up with guys I have been speaking to for years. Believe it or not these are normal guys who live normal lives! There is a guy I love to bits and wish we lived closer together as he is like my best mate… we really get on well. But I am not going to go rushing into anything, if thing happen all well and good, if not I have an awesome mate who I can talk to and confide in.
Well what more can I say… im sorry… if you don’t want to talk to me ever again I understand and don’t bear any grudges. Don’t worry I don’t find any of you attractive in any way shape or form – you’re my friends and I certainly don’t see any of you in any way other than a mate way!
I would like your input and would be happy to answer your questions so you can understand more and I can explain myself more. So feel free to comment… and thanks for understanding and reading…
Dale
Christmas Day 2007 🙁