Earlier in the week I talked about curve balls, and about how my friend Brian had ben diagnosed as terminal and moved to a hospice.
Being a friend (and just human) I had made arrangements to go see him in the hospice this morning… so well laid plans of getting on Manxman last night, diving half way arriving at the hotel at about 1:30… the plan was going well.
I didn’t expect to be woken up this morning by Adrian and Liz (our friends) calling me to let me know he had died in the early hours.
I knew it was coming, and sooner rather than later but not this soon… not before I had chance to say goodbye.
I cried this morning, I still keep getting upset… I am not sure why… I knew Brian well but we were not best friends just friends.
My brain has switched from organised to “numb” – it doesn’t know what it is doing as the well laid plans have now been thrown out of the window.
The plan this weekend was super clear… get to Birmingham for about 10-11 ish… spend an hour with Brian… go find the log book for my car in the storage place… sort the tyre out (I damaged it and now keep getting warning lights)…. and depending on whether my ex wants to see me grab a bite/coffee with him…. spend few nights in nice hotel… try to sort out some of the stuff moving it from Birmingham to Barnsley… see the folks and maybe some friends… and then Monday/Tuesday get on a plane and fuck off somewhere far away… anywhere… the joys of not having to worry too much about money is it really doesn’t matter where or how much…
Now the brain has gone to “I don’t know what the fuck I am doing”…. I randomly drove to Milton Keynes…. I still don’t know why…. I haven’t done any of the things I wanted to do… and this is the 5th coffee of the day having stopped a number of times for coffee on the way down, now sitting in a Waitrose cafe writing this.
My brain hasn’t gone into panic but it’s close to it… I keep trying to ground myself, but keep feeling my chest getting tight as if I am going to have a panic attack or heart attack.
I need to shake myself out of this… I wasn’t expecting this…. well this quick…. which I think makes it worse.
Life is so precious and short… 10 weeks from him not feeling well to today…. fuck… fuck… fuck…
Will miss you Brian… and I will keep my promise and remain friends with Jo, and rally round her… its the last thing he asked me… and he didn’t even need to ask as he knows full well I would anyway. xxx