I have been going on a few dates lately, and it’s weird territory for me as I had been in a relationship for best part of 6 years with a guy I really liked but it didn’t work out for reasons I will likely never know (but that’s a whole different story and there is a completely separate set of posts hidden that I might one day put back here but for now – lets just not go there!).
So first lets clarify – there are dates, where there is possibility of something more… and there is fun meets which are exactly that. Now I have been focusing on the fun meets for a while as my head was not in the right place to do anything more, but I have recently been on two actual date dates… one with a really lovely guy who I just want to grab hold of an cuddle to death and another with a guy who I wanted to leap on and do as many rude things as possible!
Adam I met for coffee after he hassled me on grindr of all places! As I have been having a shit time I threw caution to the wind and went and grabbed a coffee with him. Adam is where I was 14 months ago…. his long term partner has up and left and left a huge wake of a mess behind him with Adam picking up the pieces of his life and still very fragile and breaking down. My human instinct is to just cuddle the guy to death and tell him it will be OK – not that I am OK… and not that I am still spending a good chunk of my salary on a shrink each week! I really felt for the guy, he is cute, very loveable and I really just wanted to scoop him up and look after him – but I am in no position to do that as I can’t even look after my broken self! We had a little kiss as we left and have stayed in touch. Definitely a guy to keep an eye on and help as much as I possibly can…. he has also been to my little island and loved it!
Then there is Rich…. meeting up for breakfast I expected nothing other than to have a bite and coffee and see where it goes….
Where does this go indeed!!! The breakfast was nice, the conversation was great, he’s techy so we kinda talked about work a lot… (yeah I am good at that) but also can’t really talk personal life and kink in a cafe surrounded by kids! After the two/three hour breakfast we decided to go for a walk nearby. I let Rich take the lead as I had no fucking idea where the hell I was. We wondered into he woods off the beaten track in our hi-viz gear where we then stopped and Rich grabbed me and we started kissing… fuck is he a good kisser!!! So not only is this guy hot and my kind of guy, he’s kinky and a great kisser!!! I think we may have kissed and had a fumble for about another 2-3 hours!!! It was cold but the cold didn’t matter, we were in our hi-viz in the middle of no-where just enjoying each others intimate company.
It was starting to get dark so we buggered off back to the cafe for a coffee and cake (and a warm!)… with more nice conversation… unfortunately the coffee shop was closing so we got kicked out, but neither of us wanted to go home… it was weird… we kinda stood outside like two little kids trying to work out what to do… followed by me suggesting we just head somewhere nearby and continue our conversation… which involved a lay by in the middle of no where on a foot path where more kissing commenced!!
Eventually kissing turned to more deep conversation about what each other wanted not only in a relationship but from life itself…. OK here I have to admit something… and I should absolutely not have said this but I did kinda tell him I think I loved him…. as this was the weird feeling of “Jesus I could see myself with this guy!” which is not something that has gone through my head much, especially given I am still having nightly dreams about my ex and constantly analysing what the fuck I did wrong for that relationship to fail.
Luckily even with me saying that he didn’t run away.
Now we are a few days from the fucking awesome day, and I want to text him and arrange to meet asap… but I don’t want to be too eager, and I am scared to death of fucking it up… (the ex really did a number of my self confidence, self esteem and ability to love myself).
So I want to get to know this guy more, work out what makes him tick… spend time with him… and I kinda hope he wants to do the same, but at the same time I am acknowledging that I am still very fucking broken… my shrink asked me on Friday if my ex waltzed back into my life would I forgive everything and go back to him… I probably would as even with everything my ex did to me I still love him and want to care for him and be there for him…. therefore it is clear that I am probably not yet ready for a relationship as I have not let go of my ex yet, but maybe this guy will help me let go?