Well seen as we have created the “plan” for 2010 I thought is would be apt to do a review of where we are and what happened in 2009. So in no particular order here is the “a year in the life of a gay boy”:
Stopped Hiding – Yes this was the year I decided fuck it, whilst mum and dad may want to keep my sexuality a big secret (the big pink elephant in the corner syndrome) my philosophy is “why should I give a shit what other think”. Yes I dont want to hurt my parents but I also dont want to be ashamed of who I am. Someone one sang “I am what I am” (Gloria Gaynor) – yes im gay and its a classic ace song, but its so right, in every aspect. Listen to the words. As part of this process of not hiding I told my uncles that I am gay, and also told some of my work colleagues. Now I have never been the kind of person to go and shout it from the tree tops and just because im not hiding doesnt mean that all of a sudden im going to introduce myself as the only gay in the village – even though I think I may well be! This year was all about me being more comfortable with the person I am. A lot of this change was brought about by my counsellor who I must give credit to for allowing me the space to understand and face my fears about my sexuality and how I feel about it. Its not been something I have considered in the past, its something I wish was different but its not, I have faced that, survived it and understand more as a consequence. If anyone asks I dont want to deny who I am, after all im not a doubting Thomas. But do think I can play on it a bit as well… especially with the mystique of some people suspecting but not knowing, and not asking, or asking and not getting an answer from me that gives them any real indication!
Men – Well this year has been a good and bad year when it comes to men in my life. A guy I was seeing last year drove me to have to go and see a counsellor and face some of my issues head on – and I still find it hard not to think about the guy, even though I know full well he doesnt give two hoots about me and my feelings… but hey, c’est la vie!
I did have a great summer and met a really nice guy, unfortunately as ever in my life this was a complex affair, mainly due to his partner! Yes as I said things are never that simple…. boy meets boy, boy falls in love with boy, boys live happily ever after and have a dog called Shep and a cat called Mittens and great jobs in the city. Hey we can all dream. Luckily we managed to have lots of fun and remained good friends.
There was also the guy who I tried to impress (see earlier blog entry), who even though he upset me a fair bit, we did manage to salvage some kind of friendship. I have also met some other really nice people this year, Jimbob from Luton who I still talk to pretty often via text, Mike who always starts MSN conversations with “Slaaaaag”, yes he’s sometimes damn weird hence I have kept him at arms length – especially as im sure he wants to get into my pants and to keep me as a trophy boy friend – yes I think he may be a bunny boiler! I think the best friendship that may have come out of this year is the IT people I have met, from Gaydar/Fitlads/Recon, as these people I can have techy conversations with and be geeky and it doesnt matter – as invariably they are the same. I did go out for a few beers with my friend Joe and drank too much and almost told him my life story – luckily he didnt run for his life. There are people on MSN that I have yet to meet but want to when I get the opportunity as these people may well also make very good friends, and this will be the aim in 2010, to expand my circle of friends and try and fill the gap left by my lack of best friend – dont get me wrong I still have my childhood best friend but unfortunately as time has progressed we have grown further apart and only now see each other every so often and he’s not exactly the kind of person I can talk gay things about as it would not be very fair and may make him feel uncomfortable. Anyway im babbling!!
Oh cant close off my discussion about men without mentioning the two main dates of the year, that being Mack and Jonathan. Mack not sure why I did eventually run a mile but suspect it was something to do with him getting serious and wanting more of my time than I was willing to give. Not sure it was the right time and right guy. Jonathan, well me and Jonathan are still seeing each other, we have not yet progressed to the next level but do enjoy each others company. The worry I have is he works lots, as do I and can we really commit to a long term distance relationship, as there is little room for compromise in the middle. Time will tell.
Work – I love my job, its one of the rocks in my life, the last glimour of hope and prosperity. The answer to all my problems. But also the cause of me to ignore myself and bury my head in the sand. I know that when I cant deal with things in my personal life and personal relationships/friendships I bury my head in work, as I know it can consume my life and my frustration. Hopefully in 2010 I will find the work life balance I have sought for a number of years. Problem is I need to find something to fill the hours between 6pm and 8am mon to fri, this is where extending my social network will come into its own – either that or pimp my ass out!
Its been a strange year, and as I sit here listening to some Norah Jones at 1am on a Tuesday morning, its hard to reflect on whether it was a good year or a bad one. The highlights of the year have to be the days working from home in Barnsley with my friend, and the day at Thorpe Park with my friend from work. I dont think there are any real dark moments in this year, apart from the theatre trip with the guy I was semi dating. That just made me feel used. Probably the only other downside to this year was the jaw operation, but that’s historical, there is little point dwelling on it.
Lets hope 2010 is filled with joy and happiness, “happy ever after” may only be around the corner, its just which corner in this maze we call life.