4 years ago yesterday is when I first published the very first pager of this blog, informing my friends that i was coming out and asking for some understanding in exchange for information explaining how and why about my sexuality. It was a brave affair, and only now looking back can I see it was the start of a very long journey of not only self discovery but also of understanding and acceptance.
There were hard times and easy times but on the whole my experience has not been a bad one. I expected the worst and got far from that. Yes there are still some huge hurdles, only tonight my dad wanted me to come to the village with him but I refused as I find it difficult with the people asking about my girlfriend. My parents still do not want it to be public knowledge that there son is a bender, but they are happy to parade me around as the son who has done well and has a great job.
The song “Affirmation” by savage garden means a lot as one line “your parents did the best job they knew how to do” very important as mine did. Mum struggles, and dad gets embarrassed but on the whole we get through.
I really wish the same could be said of others. A close friend of mine doesn’t want to be out to his friends, family and colleagues at work as he is scared it will change how others act towards him. Does it matter? If they are true friends and people that matter, it wont matter to them what your sexuality is. I really thought it couldnt get much worse than trying to tell my folks. It always reminded me of James Bell in Billy Elliot, and I half felt as if this was my own Billy Elliot script playing out, but it turned out alright in the end. And I can guarantee if his parents love him as much as I think they do then it will turn out alright for my friend, no matter what.
It very hard for the people who care about you who have gone through the pain and are out when we have to be secretive, lie and act differently just because we want to hide our true feelings. It makes it almost impossible to have them as friends as you never know you can truly trust them, and yet you really want to.
I love my friends lots, and for the past 3 years have spent Christmas with my friends because they are important to me, almost as important as family. I would do anything to help them, and help others out there if I can and if they want helping. Sometimes though you need to know when to walk away.
Hope everyone had a great Christmas, wherever, however and whoever you spent it with. xxx