This weekend has been a bit of a complete fail… I had a few plans… my friend Greg was coming over but cause of the snow he decided to catch up on uni work instead. Jon was also planning on coming up and going out to hard on but did his back in unfortunately… Friday decided I would go out with Pete, so headed out for a bite with intention of partying at G.A.Y club… this turned into a complete fail also, hardly anyone came out… was home by 1:30am!
So was left with Saturday night where John from work was coming out and as a backup plan had planned to go to backstreet with Pete. John cancelled so was good to go with Pete, apart from he cancelled due to weather… stayed home and did the tax return 🙁
Today thought about what to do, and decided to do the usual and head to Cafe Nero for my down time… made the mistake of checking in on someone on recon…. so it now turns out Gav (policeman) has a new BF. I saw the header on his profile that he is attached and the same on his BF’s profile. I felt sick, upset, disappointed… Im sitting in cafe nero feeling like crying but know I am better than that. I knew one day this was inevitable. As much as he is hard work and a bit of a fuck head, deep down he is really a nice guy and its just breaking through the hard police exterior that is the difficulty – and something I did not manage to achieve even though I tried pretty damn hard.
Im forcing myself to eat even though I really dont feel like it, and do feel sick.. I wish it was me in relationship with him but thats life I am afraid dear boy.
It harps back to the previous relationships…. I just cant work out what the fuck is wrong with me, maybe its my attitude, I am a bit harsh, bullish and a bit of a fucking twat to be honest. I make it hard work for people.
Darrell, Chris Manc, Chris Brum now Gav… three none starters… one that I managed to fuck up all by myself.
Answer on a post card. In the meantime, im going to go bury my head in the sand and try and work out how the fuck I fix these bastard fucking problems and how I manage to cheer myself back up… the cafe nero pannini isnt going down so will go for a drive in the snow and see if I can cheer myself up.
On a slightly positive note I have booked a holiday to San Fran so maybe by then I will have fixed myself…. who knows… if not may just bloody well stay there!